Teens

Care Lodge Domestic Violence Shelter, Inc.

What is Dating Violence?

It's the abuse of one partner in a dating relationship by the other partner. Dating violence can take many forms such as abusive behavior that can include harmful words or actions. In short, any act by one partner designed to hurt or control another is abuse.

Teenagers can choose better relationships when they learn to identify the early warning signs of an abusive relationship. Teens can prepare for a healthy relationship when they understand that they have choices, and believe they are a valuable person who deserves to be treated with respect.

Help is available for teenagers! If you are a teenager involved in an abusive relationship, you need to remember that no one deserves to be abused or threatened.

Warning Signs

Is jealous and possessive toward you, won't let you have friends, checks up on you, and won't accept breaking up.
Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, doesn't take your opinion seriously.
Is scary. You worry about how they will react to things you say or do. Threatens you, uses weapons.
Is violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, and brags about mistreating others.
Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex. Thinks women or girls are sex objects. Attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you by saying "if you really loved me you would..." Gets too serious about the relationship too fast.
Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them.
Blames you when they mistreat you. Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons and made them do it, led them on.
Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems. "Girls just don't understand me."
Believes that men should be in control and powerful and that women should be passive and submissive.
Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you why they were worried about your safety.

Dating Safety

Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person youa re leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

Safety Plan

If you are in an abusive relationship, design a plan to get out safely.
Tell a parent or a trusted friend or other adult about the abuse.
If at school, tell a teacher, principal or counselor.
Consider changing your school locker or lock.
Consider changing your route to and from school.
Use a buddy system for going to school, between classes and for after school activities.
If stranded, have a person you can call for help.
Keep a journal of the abuse.
Change the number to beepers or cell phones you may have.
Keep cell phone, spare change, calling cards and the number to the local abuse shelter, police and friends and family with you at all times.
If you have a restraining or protective order, keep it with you at all times.
Know where you can go quickly to get away from the abusive person.

Myths, Facts and Stats

Myth: It can't happen to me.

Fact: About 1 in 3 high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.

Myth: Teen dating violence isn't all that serious.

Fact: 40% of teenager girls ages 14-17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. In 1995, 7% of all murder victims were young women who were killed by their boyfriends.

Myth: Jealousy and possessiveness are a sign of true love.

Fact: Jealousy and possessiveness are a sign of insecurity and control. It is the most common early warning sign of abuse.

Myth: Alcohol or drugs cause men to batter.

Fact: While some abusers do beat their partners while they are under the influence, drugs and alcohol most often only act as their excuse.

Myth: Victims bring on the abuse themselves. They ask for it.

Fact: No one has the right to abuse, and no one deserves to be abused.

Myth: If a person stays in an abusive relationship, it must not be that bad.

Fact: People stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons: fear, economic dependence, confusion, loss of self-confidence, not recognizing that what is happening is abusive, belief that the abuser needs their help or will change.

Myth: Most batterers are bums or crazy people.

Fact: Batterers are found in all classes and types of people: rich. poor, professional, unemployed, all races, urban and rural.

In one study, from 30-50% of female high school students reported having already experienced teen dating violence.

Teen dating violence most often takes place in the home of one of the partners.

20% of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship.

1 in 5 college females will experience some form of dating violence.

More than half young women raped (68%) knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance.

More than 4 in every 10 incidents of domestic violence involves non-married persons.

Dating Bill of Rights

You have the right to:

Trust yourself and your instincts
Be respected as a person
Change your mind
Express your feelings
Refuse a date
Have your limits and values respected
Refuse sex at any time, for any reason
Have friends and space aside from your partner
Not be abused

(top of page)